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Anticipation

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Do you ever have times when there is an under current of anticipation or anxiety with no real explanation as to why?  Where you are sure something is going to happen, sometime somewhat important.  You aren’t sure if it’s good or bad, but it’s just out there waiting.

Welcome to my Wednesday.

i woke up with that familiar pressure in my chest that comes with my anxiety. It’s not the suffocating pressure of panic and fear.  It is just a constant kind of uncomfortable warning that something is going to happen today.  Or should happen today.

When I first started dating Batman I used to get this feeling about him.  I would just know something was going to happen.  I would call him and tell him “Be careful today. Just trust me, be careful”  At first he thought I was crazy, but he humored me.  While nothing serious ever happened, there were minor things that taught us to as least pay attention my gut.

Someone once told me that being bipolar, at least in his experience with people in his life, made a person more intuitive when it comes to people’s feelings, and sometimes grants them a sort of sixth sense about some people or certain situations.  I know that there are a select few in my life that I am more in tune with, even long distance.

Something is looming out there.  Something is going to happen today.  Maybe I’ll hear back about the job  I interviewed for on Monday.  Maybe the guy I was talking to yesterday will contact me again today.  Maybe it’s something else I don’t want to think about. I don’t know what it is, I just know that it is.

I woke up with this band of pressure around my chest this morning.  Just uncomfortable, just enough to make me aware.  Something is going to happen.

Just let it be something good.

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Soon. Don't Give Up

In February I had to move into an apartment I could afford. Which means I have moved into a tiny whole in the wall embarrassment of an apartment.  It is in a run down building with a well earned bad reputation.  The apartment isn’t altogether horrible. In fact I have lived in a house that was worse than this.  Still, it is pretty bad, but it is what I can afford.

Because it is so small, I could only move the absolute necessities with me and leave most of my life in storage.  My books, my movies, most of my pots and pans, all but six pair of shoes, The biggest part of my life is sitting in storage because I just don’t have the room for it.  Plus I never had any intention of fully moving in here, this place was only supposed to be temporary.  It’s turned out to be “home” far longer than I originally planned.

I had to go to storage last night and get some interview clothes.  I have been unemployed for so long, and have lived in jeans and shorts and hoodies and tees.  I have my third interview with the same company today.  This one with the owner.  Jeans, hoodies and tees just aren’t going to cut it.  I quickly dug through the boxes and dressers, found what I wanted and needed and then stood there and looked at my life.  The total of my possessions, everything that meant anything to me, packed into boxes, stacked on top of furniture, shoved into a garage like building, secured behind a locked door. My life in limbo, waiting for the day that I am truly back on my feet and living again.

“Soon” I whispered.  I promised all of my possessions as much as I promised myself.  Soon I would have my shit together, in a place I could be proud of, a place I could gladly call home.

I went for a walk yesterday, like I do every day.  I am up to an average of 3 mile walks.  By the way, my legs look amazing in my stilettos and a skirt now.  The walk is a lot for my mental health.  It gets me out of the house, it lets me be out in the sunshine, it gets me out of my head.

And I find pennies.

I probably put way too much faith and way too much meaning in simple found pennies on the ground as I walk around town.  But for me, I know that at the end of the day every penny I find is a reason to hope for a better tomorrow, a reason to try harder, to clear another hurdle.  Pennies represent faith and hope that wishes will be granted Pennies are promises that everyone I have lost will come back to me in the end.  That I will stand on my own two feet, with my shit together, and that there is a life out there for me.

Pennies whisper “Don’t give up”.

At 1:30 this afternoon (CST) I will sit for my final interview for the amazing perfect job.  This is make it or break it crunch time. I either get the job after today or I don’t.  The promise of the life I want, but was never really sure I’d ever have, is on the other side of this interview.  (no pressure).  Pennies promise soon, they whisper don’t give up.  I see signs of hope all around me now; a Snapchat from each of my daughters, a text message I never expected to get in the middle of the day, an impromptu road trip with a new friend.

Seven months ago, I walked out of jail for the last time.  I stood there feeling the sun shine on me, breathing the fresh air, ready to go home, knowing there was a mountain of obligations in front of me that needed to be met.  A long line of hurdles that needed to be cleared.  A month later would find me walking out the door of a psych ward after a failed suicide attempt.  Another mountain of obligations to face, hurdles to clear, that clearly could not be avoided.  There was so little hope n those days, so little faith.  Look at me now.

Soon.  Don’t give up.  

 

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It All Seems to be Coming Together

the the pennies Those are all the pennies I have found as I walk around town every day.  Walking is part of my therapy.  It give me a chance to get outside, away from everything, and clear my head of all the racing swirling thoughts.  I can work through things I have been obsessing over, or I can just plug in the iPod, and tune out the world.

A lot of things are coming back together for me right now.  I am finishing up my legal issues. I have to report to the court one last time, but that is just a formality.  It has already been decided that there will be no conviction.  I am just waiting on the paperwork now before I can officially say I have my life back.  There has been some small steps taken in the healing of a very important relationship in my life.  Yes, they are small, but they are steps that I wasn’t sure would ever be taken.

This weekend, my oldest daughter, Meredith, reached out to me and started a conversation with me. The first time since she left in August, she reached out to me and initiated contact.  I was careful to tread lightly and keep the conversation easy and fun.   Her first prom is the 26th and I won’t get to be there for it.  There is so much that has happened in her life since August and I haven’t been there for.  Maybe that will change.

Then, I wrote an apology that I was sure would go ignored, but I had to try.  I could only offer my apology I could not make them accept it.  I got a message today from one of them, “I accept your apology. I have always considered you my friend”.  I know that there is still much damage and a lot I have to prove and make amends for.  At least I have been given the opportunity.

This morning I had a phone interview scheduled for a job that is square in my wheelhouse.  After a late start, the interview went better than I could have hoped, and I have scored a face to face interview on Wednesday.  It is the perfect job, and the pay they are offering is more than I’ve ever made.

All of these things, coming together.  All of those pennies I have found on my daily walks.  Maybe after i have been through, maybe I’m due.  Maybe I have reached my scary age, and I really am going to get my shit together.

 

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Just Another Step

The penny I wasn't sure I would find Part of therapy, after a breakdown, and a suicide attempt, at least for me, is taking inventory of my life,  accounting for all that has been lost, and making amends.  There are relationships that I destroyed in the midst of my out of control mania and eventual downward spiral into the darkness.  Some of those relationships were are very meaningful to me, and I would like to try to repair them.

The thing about apologies is, I can only offer mine, I can not make them accept it.  I can only offer to make amends, that does not mean they will allow me to.  I can only express my sincerity, there is no guarantee they will believe in it.  I can only be responsible for my part of the equation, and I have to trust myself to accept whatever part they choose.

But I know that I have to try.

I write this knowing it will presumably go unread.   After all I did to hurt you, I can hardly blame you.  Asking for forgiveness is difficult, giving it is much more so.  Still, I owe you the apology at the very least. I owe you so much more, but that of course will be up to you.

I could come up with a list of things that I would say explained my actions, and my words, but that list would sound like hollow empty pathetic excuses, so I won’t bother.  Explanations, excuses, none of them take back what I said and did, none of them erase the hurt and damage I caused.  None of them will bridge the gap that now stands between us.

I hope that you can see beyond the pretty words here, and see the honest sincerity with which I say I am sorry for what I did.  I am sorry we are no longer friends.  I am sorry things got so out of control, and so ugly.  In the end, I tried to commit suicide, twice, and even in that I am a failure.  But I have to think that I am here for a reason, even if I don’t know what that reason is.  When you are willing to lose everything and everyone, and then you don’t, you start to see who truly matters to you and exactly how much.

The friendship we once shared was special to me, treasured, valued.  We shared inside jokes, we embarrassed those around us with our own sense of humor.  Not everyone is so in tune with the 12 year old boy who lives inside us all like we were.  I miss the days of being included in your life, having your back, being oh so very proud of you as if you were one of my own.  Our friendship ended, but life has gone on, and I sit now, watching from a distance, feeling the ache and the emptiness you have left behind.  It aches all the more knowing that I hurt you and caused you to leave and shut me out.

I can not blame you for what you did.  I am not angry at your decision.  I am hurt, but not by your actions or choices, but by my own.  All I can do is stand here before you now, offering my deepest heartfelt apology, willing to do anything to make amends. Knowing it will take time to prove to you just how deeply sorry I am.  I will accept and respect whatever reaction you have, knowing I expect the worst, which is to be completely ignored. Hoping for the best, which at this point would be just an acknowledgement.

Please know that I want nothing from you.  I just want to apologize and try to make amends, if that is even possible.  I leave it up to you.  Regardless of what happens from this point forward, you will always be considered one of my own, and I will always love you and hold a special place in my heart for you.

 

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Today We Shall Call it Faith

#Pennies #Hope #Wishes #Faith

#Pennies #Hope #Wishes #Faith

Faith is not something I have a whole lot of.  I think it’s in large part because faith also requires patience and we’ve established I don’t have a lot of that.

It’s ironic that I say I don’t have a lot of faith, considering how much ‘faith’ I put in the pennies I find every day.    Yet, lately, I have seen it pay off.  I have seen things working in my life.  I have seen changes, bridges I thought were burnt being slowly rebuilt.   The part of me that has wanted this for oh so very fucking long wants it all to be over and done with and we’re friends and once big happy family again and hallelujah pass the margaritas.  The realistic part of me knows that I can’t rush this healing and rebuilding, because these relationships are far too important and far to valuable to me to throw them back together all willy nilly like.

Like I tried to say in my last post, when you lose absolutely everyone in your life, you learn very quickly who matters, what relationships are important.  Who is worth fighting for and who you just aren’t going to waste your time trying to get back.  When I lost everyone I realized there were three people who had gone that I would do absolutely anything in my power to get back.  I would do whatever it took to repair the damage, to rebuild the relationship, to prove to them that I truly value them and I think they are worth whatever it takes.

There were three people I lost that I didn’t like thought of my life without them.

In the past two days, after all the times I have reached out to them, after all the emails, text messages, Facebook messages, after all of my attempts to bridge the rift between us, two of them reached back to me.  One in a simple email “I’ll be there in 10″ and we met for margaritas and to talk, so that I could explain to them face to face that I get it now.  And I get that my words hold no meaning, that the only way I can prove myself to them is through my actions.

The other was in a simple text this morning… “Hi”.  From the one who has never reached out to me first, has never made the attempt, has said repeatedly I don’t want to talk to you again.  A simple “Hi”.  to be honest, a part of me wanted to ignore it, to lash out, to show them how it hurt to be ignored.  But the part of me that has hurt and ached and needed and loved for so long knew that the only way to start the healing was to reply with a simple “Hi” as well.  Bury the hurt, hide the anger, suppress the pain, and set all my personal issues aside and just make the effort.

Everything was taken away from me last year.  I lost it all, everything and almost everyone, because of my actions. It has taken a lot of time, a lot of steps, a lot of work to get some of what I lost back.  Maybe these relationships couldn’t be healed until now because I held on so tightly to all the pain and hurt and anger and tears and would have let those destroy what chance I had.  It has only been since I saw the finish line that I was also able to let go of it all.

Life has a way of falling apart in less time than it takes for it to come back together.  But in the time it will take for it all to come back together I will have the time to build a solid true foundation.  I will have the time to prove to them I get it, I value them I know that I know that I know how important they are and that I will do whatever is necessary to repair the damage I have done.  I know that it won’t happen over night and I know that there will probably always be some lingering doubt and mistrust, but that’s ok.  For all of my efforts so far, I have finally seen a glimmer of hope, a ray of light.

And today, we shall call that faith.

 

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Firing and Re-hiring People in My Life

via Pinterest

I have made it no secret that I tried to commit suicide last year. More than once.  Obviously, I failed.  I went to jail, I had a mental breakdown, I went to a psych ward, and tried to commit suicide.

And I survived it all.

But I lost almost everything, and everyone in my life.

When you lose everyone in your life, it gives you a new perspective.  It’s like firing everyone in your life, and now you can decide who, if anyone, you want to rehire.   When I realized who and what I had lost, I also realized I had time and some distance, to decide who was worth “rehiring”.

I realized who was worth fighting to get back, and who I was perfectly ok with letting go.  The relationships I deemed worth fighting for, truly are more precious to me.  I screwed them up, and I lost them in the mess I made of my life.  Now, I know that they truly matter to me, and I want them in my life.

So I have to rebuild the bridges, I have to rebuild the trust.  Except for me this time is different.  This time I know how much they truly mean to me, and I know that I know that I know how important they are to me.  I cherish them, I value them.  I got the wake-up call, and I get it.

I know that I have a lot to prove to them.  I have to prove to them what I know in my heart now.  They have been deeply hurt by me in the past, and that is not easily forgiven or forgotten.  I have bridges to rebuild.  The difference this time is, I get it.  I value them much more now, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship I had with them.  They truly matter, and now, if I am lucky, I will be given the opportunity to show them just how much.

It’s sort of like a do-over.  Except the past hasn’t been erased.  I can’t get that lucky, it won’t be that easy.  I have a lot of hurt and pain and damage to heal and rebuild, but I am only going to do this for the ones I truly want in my life, the people I truly love and value.

I am in a better place now, and I have been granted a do-over of sorts.   This time I am determined to do it right.

 

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Coming Back Together Takes Time

When life, well my life at least, falls apart, it falls apart all at once, in record time.  When it comes to coming back together life takes it’s time.  Waiting for everything to come back together, to finally have a life again, requires patience.  I am not known for my patience.  In fact, I am known for my distinct lack of patience.

This morning I applied for 10 jobs before my 2nd cup of coffee.  By 10:00 I had received an email requesting a phone interview, and that interview is now scheduled for 11:00 Monday morning.  I am no stranger to the job hunt, I know that it takes time. That I may have managed to score a phone interview, but I am not the only one who has secured one.  And I will not be offered the job based only on this one interview.  This one will only serve to determine if I am worth a face to face.

Again, life can fall apart much faster than it comes back together.

Batman and I have actually exchanged a few emails today.  Nothing serious, but at least that door is no longer shut and locked against me. Batman has been my best friend since the day I met him, and regardless of whatever else goes on or doesn’t go on between us, he will always be my best friend.  Not being able to talk to him is like having an arm cut off.  So, the opening in communication, no matter how slight, is welcome and a relief.  I would be lying if I said it’s enough.. of course I want more.. well, I want more access, I want to be able to share all the good things going on in my life with him.  I hope that level of communication comes with time.

Again, patience is required, and not something I have in abundance.

So it would seem, that life will come back together for me, if only I am patient enough to allow it the time it needs to get there, and not rush the process.  Maybe if I am patient, I will get my daughters back too.

 

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Every Step Forward Means Nothing Without Them

My three kids.. Meredith, Ian, and Megan

My three kids.. Meredith, Ian and Megan

Some days every hurdle I have cleared, every victory won, every challenge faced doesn’t come close to cancelling out everything and everyone I have lost.   All of the victories and joys and positive steps are tarnished by the reminders of everyone I have lost.

I no longer have any contact with my daughters.  I gave them live and raised them up until last year.  They no longer talk to me, no texts, no contact whatsoever.  Life without them is not a life I want to live.  They were always my reason for trying, my reason to fight, my reason to crawl out of bed every day, swallow those dreadful pills and be productive and human and normal.  They were my reason to live.

And now, now I am nobody to them.  Now, I no longer exist to them.  There is huge empty gaping canyon in my hear, and in my life where they belong… and they don’t want me any more.  They don’t love me any more.

I no longer have daughters.

And I don’t know how to live this life without them.

“Just give them time. They’ll come around”  sentiments voiced by everyone around me.  Give them time… said by people who still have their children.  Voiced by people who don’t have any idea how horribly painful empty life is when your children no longer love you or want you.

Of everything and everyone I have lost because of my breakdown, my daughters… life just isn’t the same without them. The shine is gone, the sparkle is dull, there is no reason, there is no passion, there is no logic.  It is just endless days and nights knowing I am missing out on so much that I’ll never get back…

All of the positive steps, all of the victories, every hurdle cleared.. none of them mean a damn thing without my girls.  Get my life back… and have nobody to share it with…

In the end I’ve still lost.

 

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Four Simple, Powerful Words

Writing. via becky_wtml

I don’t hate you

Four words.  Four simple words.  More importantly though, four powerful words.

The email said simply “I don’t hate you”.  When I read those words, I felt the weight lift a little, the vice that had held my heart so tight, eased.  The pain faded a bit, and the emptiness was less hollow.  There was a little room to breathe.

And, I realized, I didn’t hate him either.

I just miss him.  What we had, what we dreamed about, what could have been.  The idea of US.  Yes I was angry.  He had talked about forever, he had made me promises and he broke them.  He reneged on his promises, he backed out on our hopes and plans and dreams.  He them them away. He threw us away.  He threw ME away.  You’re damn right I was angry.

But I was hurt more.  The hurt cut deep.  Everything I had believed in, everything I had dreamed of was all so easily dismissed and discarded by him.  Could all of that been truly that unimportant to him?  Was I that easily discarded, dismissed, thrown away?

I can’t answer that for him.  I don’t know.  All I do know for sure is that he doesn’t hate me.  And because of that, I can breathe a little easier.

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I Get My Life Back Tomorrow

failure-quoteI am breaking the cardinal rule of blogging… “Thou shall only post once a day in order to achieve world domination”.  Rules are meant to be broken.  I’m a rebel like that.

Tomorrow is my last court date.  There was a list of things that I needed to do before then.  Ah what the hell, I had to get a compliance letter from one court, pay reinstatement fees, and get insurance coverage so that my driving privileges can be reinstated on Friday.  And all of that had to be done TODAY.

When you don’t have a licence and you don’t have a vehicle, your mobility is limited.  You are free to go as far as your feet can carry you, or as far as friends are willing to take you once you beg.  Going to St. Charles today with a friend was ridiculously exciting.  Freedoms everyone takes for granted every single day have been just outside my reach.

Friday, everything will fall back into place.  My legal issues will be resolved tomorrow.  My driving privileges will be reinstated Friday and that will be the end of a very long very unnecessary nightmare.  One that could have been avoided, and will not be repeated. Ever.

I spent my last dime paying reinstatement fees and getting insurance coverage.  My lease will expire next week, and I have no job and no money.

But I have my freedom.

And hope.

And faith.

And somehow, it will work out.  It’s crunch time, and I work best in crunch time.

The finish line?  It’s right there… right in front of me… tomorrow I cross it.  Tomorrow I close a long dark chapter in my life. I take the lesson learned.. that I am too old and way too smart to do this to myself, and start the next chapter of my life.

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