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It All Seems to be Coming Together

the the pennies Those are all the pennies I have found as I walk around town every day.  Walking is part of my therapy.  It give me a chance to get outside, away from everything, and clear my head of all the racing swirling thoughts.  I can work through things I have been obsessing over, or I can just plug in the iPod, and tune out the world.

A lot of things are coming back together for me right now.  I am finishing up my legal issues. I have to report to the court one last time, but that is just a formality.  It has already been decided that there will be no conviction.  I am just waiting on the paperwork now before I can officially say I have my life back.  There has been some small steps taken in the healing of a very important relationship in my life.  Yes, they are small, but they are steps that I wasn’t sure would ever be taken.

This weekend, my oldest daughter, Meredith, reached out to me and started a conversation with me. The first time since she left in August, she reached out to me and initiated contact.  I was careful to tread lightly and keep the conversation easy and fun.   Her first prom is the 26th and I won’t get to be there for it.  There is so much that has happened in her life since August and I haven’t been there for.  Maybe that will change.

Then, I wrote an apology that I was sure would go ignored, but I had to try.  I could only offer my apology I could not make them accept it.  I got a message today from one of them, “I accept your apology. I have always considered you my friend”.  I know that there is still much damage and a lot I have to prove and make amends for.  At least I have been given the opportunity.

This morning I had a phone interview scheduled for a job that is square in my wheelhouse.  After a late start, the interview went better than I could have hoped, and I have scored a face to face interview on Wednesday.  It is the perfect job, and the pay they are offering is more than I’ve ever made.

All of these things, coming together.  All of those pennies I have found on my daily walks.  Maybe after i have been through, maybe I’m due.  Maybe I have reached my scary age, and I really am going to get my shit together.


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Just Another Step

The penny I wasn't sure I would find Part of therapy, after a breakdown, and a suicide attempt, at least for me, is taking inventory of my life,  accounting for all that has been lost, and making amends.  There are relationships that I destroyed in the midst of my out of control mania and eventual downward spiral into the darkness.  Some of those relationships were are very meaningful to me, and I would like to try to repair them.

The thing about apologies is, I can only offer mine, I can not make them accept it.  I can only offer to make amends, that does not mean they will allow me to.  I can only express my sincerity, there is no guarantee they will believe in it.  I can only be responsible for my part of the equation, and I have to trust myself to accept whatever part they choose.

But I know that I have to try.

I write this knowing it will presumably go unread.   After all I did to hurt you, I can hardly blame you.  Asking for forgiveness is difficult, giving it is much more so.  Still, I owe you the apology at the very least. I owe you so much more, but that of course will be up to you.

I could come up with a list of things that I would say explained my actions, and my words, but that list would sound like hollow empty pathetic excuses, so I won’t bother.  Explanations, excuses, none of them take back what I said and did, none of them erase the hurt and damage I caused.  None of them will bridge the gap that now stands between us.

I hope that you can see beyond the pretty words here, and see the honest sincerity with which I say I am sorry for what I did.  I am sorry we are no longer friends.  I am sorry things got so out of control, and so ugly.  In the end, I tried to commit suicide, twice, and even in that I am a failure.  But I have to think that I am here for a reason, even if I don’t know what that reason is.  When you are willing to lose everything and everyone, and then you don’t, you start to see who truly matters to you and exactly how much.

The friendship we once shared was special to me, treasured, valued.  We shared inside jokes, we embarrassed those around us with our own sense of humor.  Not everyone is so in tune with the 12 year old boy who lives inside us all like we were.  I miss the days of being included in your life, having your back, being oh so very proud of you as if you were one of my own.  Our friendship ended, but life has gone on, and I sit now, watching from a distance, feeling the ache and the emptiness you have left behind.  It aches all the more knowing that I hurt you and caused you to leave and shut me out.

I can not blame you for what you did.  I am not angry at your decision.  I am hurt, but not by your actions or choices, but by my own.  All I can do is stand here before you now, offering my deepest heartfelt apology, willing to do anything to make amends. Knowing it will take time to prove to you just how deeply sorry I am.  I will accept and respect whatever reaction you have, knowing I expect the worst, which is to be completely ignored. Hoping for the best, which at this point would be just an acknowledgement.

Please know that I want nothing from you.  I just want to apologize and try to make amends, if that is even possible.  I leave it up to you.  Regardless of what happens from this point forward, you will always be considered one of my own, and I will always love you and hold a special place in my heart for you.


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Today We Shall Call it Faith

#Pennies #Hope #Wishes #Faith

#Pennies #Hope #Wishes #Faith

Faith is not something I have a whole lot of.  I think it’s in large part because faith also requires patience and we’ve established I don’t have a lot of that.

It’s ironic that I say I don’t have a lot of faith, considering how much ‘faith’ I put in the pennies I find every day.    Yet, lately, I have seen it pay off.  I have seen things working in my life.  I have seen changes, bridges I thought were burnt being slowly rebuilt.   The part of me that has wanted this for oh so very fucking long wants it all to be over and done with and we’re friends and once big happy family again and hallelujah pass the margaritas.  The realistic part of me knows that I can’t rush this healing and rebuilding, because these relationships are far too important and far to valuable to me to throw them back together all willy nilly like.

Like I tried to say in my last post, when you lose absolutely everyone in your life, you learn very quickly who matters, what relationships are important.  Who is worth fighting for and who you just aren’t going to waste your time trying to get back.  When I lost everyone I realized there were three people who had gone that I would do absolutely anything in my power to get back.  I would do whatever it took to repair the damage, to rebuild the relationship, to prove to them that I truly value them and I think they are worth whatever it takes.

There were three people I lost that I didn’t like thought of my life without them.

In the past two days, after all the times I have reached out to them, after all the emails, text messages, Facebook messages, after all of my attempts to bridge the rift between us, two of them reached back to me.  One in a simple email “I’ll be there in 10″ and we met for margaritas and to talk, so that I could explain to them face to face that I get it now.  And I get that my words hold no meaning, that the only way I can prove myself to them is through my actions.

The other was in a simple text this morning… “Hi”.  From the one who has never reached out to me first, has never made the attempt, has said repeatedly I don’t want to talk to you again.  A simple “Hi”.  to be honest, a part of me wanted to ignore it, to lash out, to show them how it hurt to be ignored.  But the part of me that has hurt and ached and needed and loved for so long knew that the only way to start the healing was to reply with a simple “Hi” as well.  Bury the hurt, hide the anger, suppress the pain, and set all my personal issues aside and just make the effort.

Everything was taken away from me last year.  I lost it all, everything and almost everyone, because of my actions. It has taken a lot of time, a lot of steps, a lot of work to get some of what I lost back.  Maybe these relationships couldn’t be healed until now because I held on so tightly to all the pain and hurt and anger and tears and would have let those destroy what chance I had.  It has only been since I saw the finish line that I was also able to let go of it all.

Life has a way of falling apart in less time than it takes for it to come back together.  But in the time it will take for it all to come back together I will have the time to build a solid true foundation.  I will have the time to prove to them I get it, I value them I know that I know that I know how important they are and that I will do whatever is necessary to repair the damage I have done.  I know that it won’t happen over night and I know that there will probably always be some lingering doubt and mistrust, but that’s ok.  For all of my efforts so far, I have finally seen a glimmer of hope, a ray of light.

And today, we shall call that faith.


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Firing and Re-hiring People in My Life

via Pinterest

I have made it no secret that I tried to commit suicide last year. More than once.  Obviously, I failed.  I went to jail, I had a mental breakdown, I went to a psych ward, and tried to commit suicide.

And I survived it all.

But I lost almost everything, and everyone in my life.

When you lose everyone in your life, it gives you a new perspective.  It’s like firing everyone in your life, and now you can decide who, if anyone, you want to rehire.   When I realized who and what I had lost, I also realized I had time and some distance, to decide who was worth “rehiring”.

I realized who was worth fighting to get back, and who I was perfectly ok with letting go.  The relationships I deemed worth fighting for, truly are more precious to me.  I screwed them up, and I lost them in the mess I made of my life.  Now, I know that they truly matter to me, and I want them in my life.

So I have to rebuild the bridges, I have to rebuild the trust.  Except for me this time is different.  This time I know how much they truly mean to me, and I know that I know that I know how important they are to me.  I cherish them, I value them.  I got the wake-up call, and I get it.

I know that I have a lot to prove to them.  I have to prove to them what I know in my heart now.  They have been deeply hurt by me in the past, and that is not easily forgiven or forgotten.  I have bridges to rebuild.  The difference this time is, I get it.  I value them much more now, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the relationship I had with them.  They truly matter, and now, if I am lucky, I will be given the opportunity to show them just how much.

It’s sort of like a do-over.  Except the past hasn’t been erased.  I can’t get that lucky, it won’t be that easy.  I have a lot of hurt and pain and damage to heal and rebuild, but I am only going to do this for the ones I truly want in my life, the people I truly love and value.

I am in a better place now, and I have been granted a do-over of sorts.   This time I am determined to do it right.


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Coming Back Together Takes Time

When life, well my life at least, falls apart, it falls apart all at once, in record time.  When it comes to coming back together life takes it’s time.  Waiting for everything to come back together, to finally have a life again, requires patience.  I am not known for my patience.  In fact, I am known for my distinct lack of patience.

This morning I applied for 10 jobs before my 2nd cup of coffee.  By 10:00 I had received an email requesting a phone interview, and that interview is now scheduled for 11:00 Monday morning.  I am no stranger to the job hunt, I know that it takes time. That I may have managed to score a phone interview, but I am not the only one who has secured one.  And I will not be offered the job based only on this one interview.  This one will only serve to determine if I am worth a face to face.

Again, life can fall apart much faster than it comes back together.

Batman and I have actually exchanged a few emails today.  Nothing serious, but at least that door is no longer shut and locked against me. Batman has been my best friend since the day I met him, and regardless of whatever else goes on or doesn’t go on between us, he will always be my best friend.  Not being able to talk to him is like having an arm cut off.  So, the opening in communication, no matter how slight, is welcome and a relief.  I would be lying if I said it’s enough.. of course I want more.. well, I want more access, I want to be able to share all the good things going on in my life with him.  I hope that level of communication comes with time.

Again, patience is required, and not something I have in abundance.

So it would seem, that life will come back together for me, if only I am patient enough to allow it the time it needs to get there, and not rush the process.  Maybe if I am patient, I will get my daughters back too.


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Every Step Forward Means Nothing Without Them

My three kids.. Meredith, Ian, and Megan

My three kids.. Meredith, Ian and Megan

Some days every hurdle I have cleared, every victory won, every challenge faced doesn’t come close to cancelling out everything and everyone I have lost.   All of the victories and joys and positive steps are tarnished by the reminders of everyone I have lost.

I no longer have any contact with my daughters.  I gave them live and raised them up until last year.  They no longer talk to me, no texts, no contact whatsoever.  Life without them is not a life I want to live.  They were always my reason for trying, my reason to fight, my reason to crawl out of bed every day, swallow those dreadful pills and be productive and human and normal.  They were my reason to live.

And now, now I am nobody to them.  Now, I no longer exist to them.  There is huge empty gaping canyon in my hear, and in my life where they belong… and they don’t want me any more.  They don’t love me any more.

I no longer have daughters.

And I don’t know how to live this life without them.

“Just give them time. They’ll come around”  sentiments voiced by everyone around me.  Give them time… said by people who still have their children.  Voiced by people who don’t have any idea how horribly painful empty life is when your children no longer love you or want you.

Of everything and everyone I have lost because of my breakdown, my daughters… life just isn’t the same without them. The shine is gone, the sparkle is dull, there is no reason, there is no passion, there is no logic.  It is just endless days and nights knowing I am missing out on so much that I’ll never get back…

All of the positive steps, all of the victories, every hurdle cleared.. none of them mean a damn thing without my girls.  Get my life back… and have nobody to share it with…

In the end I’ve still lost.


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Four Simple, Powerful Words

Writing. via becky_wtml

I don’t hate you

Four words.  Four simple words.  More importantly though, four powerful words.

The email said simply “I don’t hate you”.  When I read those words, I felt the weight lift a little, the vice that had held my heart so tight, eased.  The pain faded a bit, and the emptiness was less hollow.  There was a little room to breathe.

And, I realized, I didn’t hate him either.

I just miss him.  What we had, what we dreamed about, what could have been.  The idea of US.  Yes I was angry.  He had talked about forever, he had made me promises and he broke them.  He reneged on his promises, he backed out on our hopes and plans and dreams.  He them them away. He threw us away.  He threw ME away.  You’re damn right I was angry.

But I was hurt more.  The hurt cut deep.  Everything I had believed in, everything I had dreamed of was all so easily dismissed and discarded by him.  Could all of that been truly that unimportant to him?  Was I that easily discarded, dismissed, thrown away?

I can’t answer that for him.  I don’t know.  All I do know for sure is that he doesn’t hate me.  And because of that, I can breathe a little easier.

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I Get My Life Back Tomorrow

failure-quoteI am breaking the cardinal rule of blogging… “Thou shall only post once a day in order to achieve world domination”.  Rules are meant to be broken.  I’m a rebel like that.

Tomorrow is my last court date.  There was a list of things that I needed to do before then.  Ah what the hell, I had to get a compliance letter from one court, pay reinstatement fees, and get insurance coverage so that my driving privileges can be reinstated on Friday.  And all of that had to be done TODAY.

When you don’t have a licence and you don’t have a vehicle, your mobility is limited.  You are free to go as far as your feet can carry you, or as far as friends are willing to take you once you beg.  Going to St. Charles today with a friend was ridiculously exciting.  Freedoms everyone takes for granted every single day have been just outside my reach.

Friday, everything will fall back into place.  My legal issues will be resolved tomorrow.  My driving privileges will be reinstated Friday and that will be the end of a very long very unnecessary nightmare.  One that could have been avoided, and will not be repeated. Ever.

I spent my last dime paying reinstatement fees and getting insurance coverage.  My lease will expire next week, and I have no job and no money.

But I have my freedom.

And hope.

And faith.

And somehow, it will work out.  It’s crunch time, and I work best in crunch time.

The finish line?  It’s right there… right in front of me… tomorrow I cross it.  Tomorrow I close a long dark chapter in my life. I take the lesson learned.. that I am too old and way too smart to do this to myself, and start the next chapter of my life.

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Navel Gazing at it’s Best

011Do you ever have things going on in your life, profound things, important things, game changing things, and you don’t know how to blog about them?  Yeah, that….

Tuesday is my last court date.  I got an email from my attorney on Friday, with a couple of things I have to get done that will help my case tremendously.  Simple things really.  In a nutshell, not as simple as he made it sound. For a minute I was worried I wouldn’t be able to get everything done, and then friends joined in and everything fell into place and it seems that when I walk out of court on Tuesday I will be completely done with the legal system.

That will be the final string tying me to this place.  Yes there is still the matter of probation, but that can be transferred to another county if I move.  There is nothing holding me here any longer.

I disabled my dating profiles this weekend too.  I sat there browsing profiles of men looking for a date or a relationship and I rejected them one after the other out of hand. Just No.
Are you serious?

It’s unfair to them to have a profile up when I’ll never follow through.  I had gotten several messages from guys, and read them, looked at their profiles and then promptly ignored them.  I did actually talk to a couple of guys online, but when it got to the “Where do you live exactly?” point, I panicked. It’s one thing to talk to someone from the comfort of my own home behind a screen separated by a dozen miles or more, it’s something else entirely to meet in person.

I’m just not ready.  I don’t know that I ever will be.

The truth is, I found what I was looking for once.  It was all that I ever wanted and so much more than I ever hoped.  And then, I we fucked it all up.  I just don’t have it in me to put myself out there again.

Someone told me this week.. “I don’t know if you have noticed but you kinda drive people away”.  Oh, I’ve noticed.  I could sit here and give you a list of reasons why I think I do this…
I’m bipolar,
I moved every 3 years of my life and never really formed any long term attachments,
I know I’m going to fuck it up eventually so don’t let anyone get too close…
Maybe I don’t believe I’m worth it…

How much navel gazing can I cram into one post?

It wasn’t all that long ago, I was sitting at rock bottom.  I had lost everything and everyone in my life.  It was just me, the 2 cats, and an apartment full of memories that haunted me.  I had lost it all.  I had gone to jail. I had gone crazy. I had lost my job, and my kids and the love of my life.  I even tried to lose my life.  I had nothing. I felt like I was nothing.  I tried to end it all, more than once. And failed. So I decided I must be here for a reason, and I started to climb my way back up.  One day at a time, one step at a time, one hurdle at a time.

Tomorrow will be one more hurdle crossed, one more thing I can put behind me. One step closer to having my shit together. I wanted to die six months ago. Look at me now, living and shit.

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Finding Forgiveness


“I with some one now that is the love of my life and she makes me very happy”

I got that gut punch in an email Sunday morning.  It shouldn’t have been the gut punch it was.  I mean, we destroyed what was once a beautiful thing.  He’s moved on, and I’ve let go.. I know we will never be a couple again.  There is nothing left to build anything on.  For whatever reason I still want closure.

It ended bad. It was ugly. And I guess I just want to mend fences.  I don’t want the last thing we shared to be this horrifically ugly apocalypse.  I admit it is completely selfish on my part.  I get that.   Mending fences is a two way street.  It’s not enough for one to want forgiveness if the other one doesn’t.

And he doesn’t.  Not only doesn’t he want it.. he doesn’t need it.  He doesn’t care any more.

I don’t need his participation in this forgiveness business.  I can forgive him for everything.  I can forgive myself for everything and that should be enough. Right?  Why doesn’t it feel like enough?

Because I want him to forgive me.

Why?  There’s the 64 thousand dollar question.  Why do I think I need his forgiveness?  Why do I feel this need to mend fences? Why is it such a driving need in me to tie up lose ends, wrap it all up in a bow and make it pretty again before I can put it all away?  Maybe I need to make it all pretty again so that it doesn’t feel like I was so horribly wrong in the beginning when I felt this was the last man I would love.  Maybe it’s just a sick twisted game I play to beat myself up over and over again.

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Maybe it’s not forgiveness I’m after.  Maybe it’s just the end of this emptiness and hurt I feel that I’m after.  Maybe I just need to make the decision right here, right now, to let it go.  To say This is it. From this point on he no longer matters.  From today on he is no longer a factor in my life.  I can no longer wonder what could have been, I can no longer hold on to what I once thought would be.  I have to finally let go of the hopes and dreams and the plans we made because none of those things are ever going to come true.

Maybe it’s not forgiveness I am after.  Maybe it’s Goodbye.

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